The sandpaper personality
Sandpaper comes in wide array of "grits" with a number or "grade" assigned to it. The number refers to the number of abrasive particles per square so sandpaper that is 40 grit has very large abrasive particles and can therefore take paint off wood, for example. Sandpaper with a grade of 220 has many more abrasive particles per square inch which necessitates them being smaller and therefore not as abrasive. When it comes to our kids, we don't want them stopped by splinters and rough patches. We want them to be able to handle the obstacles and difficulties life will invariably throw their way. We don't necessarily want 40 grit kids, bullying their way through life, but we definitely don't want 220 grit kids either.
Please note that as a parent (or teacher) having grit and sandpapering the path ahead of kids so they don't have to, is crippling your child's ability to deal with tough situations on his or her own. You can't always be there to smooth their path or pick up the pieces when they face setbacks, so let them experience disappointment and failure when they're young, when the consequences aren't as dire and you're there to help them learn from the experience. Help them develop their grit.
EVERYONE GETS A TROPHY
I still remember the end of the t-ball season when the team mom asked for money to buy trophies . . . for every kid. My twins were not star players. In fact, I seriously worried about one of them because he spent most of his time with his nose buried in the grass looking at bugs instead of his eyes on the ball. Thankfully, the lack of power hitters in the six-and-under crowd kept him from getting beaned in the noggin. Neither boy would be getting a trophy for any sort of athletic prowess and that was fine by me because they had none. I said I didn't want trophies for them and asked to be left out. She was appalled. How would my children feel to be the only ones without a trophy? Frankly, I didn't think that, as five-year-olds, they'd even remember their season—nine years later, they don't. They liked going for the snacks at the end of each game and not for the love of baseball.
Another example of this is birthday parties. When did it become necessary to have over-the-top themed parties for kids' birthdays? Gone are the days when kids came over for cake and ice cream and played a bit. Now we have barbecues, serve an entire meal and parents, not just kids, attend. We end up spending hundreds of dollars and every kid goes home with a gift bag. When our oldest was turning eight he decided he wanted to invite every kid in his class. I knew we had to do something. We just couldn't afford a huge party. First, I told him it was very sweet of him to want to include everyone (he is still a sweet guy!). Then I explained that we didn't have it in our budget. What I offered instead was to give him $100 plus cake and ice cream (he's 22 now, so this was a while ago). With that money he needed to buy the food and decorations for his party and any money left over he could keep as his gift.
He started scouring the mailers for coupons. He asked us to go to several different stores to get the best prices on what he wanted. I had plain white napkins and plates I said he could use, so he passed on the Darth Vadar plates and napkins he wanted. He got concentrated fruit punch instead of individual sodas, which was better for them anyway. He got a watermelon instead of potato chips. He discovered sales tax! And he discovered those little gift bags usually contain junky stuff that kids don't use, so he didn't bother. My kids learned such great lessons in budgeting after we implemented that rule! It was one of the best things we could have done for them and many of my friends obviously felt the same pressure to conform, because they followed our lead and adopted something similar with their kids.
When did we become so obsessed with the idea that our kids can't ever feel disappointed, angry, upset, or left out? The older we get the larger the difficulties we have to deal with—a death in the family, job loss, health issues. At some point in their lives our kids are going to have to deal with hardships, so do you really want they're first obstacles to be the big ones? If your daughter forgets her homework, she may be upset and want you to bail her out by bringing it to her, but isn't it better to let her deal with the disappointment and learn from it? If she can get over this, it builds grit.
LET THEM MAKE MISTAKES
One of my twins, the aforementioned bug enthusiast, was notorious for forgetting his homework or permission slips. They went to school where I taught, so when he was in fourth grade, I decided he needed to learn the hard way, to remember to bring what was necessary back to school. They had a field trip and as his twin asked me to sign the permission slip, I knew he was forgetting. I could have said to myself, "He'll feel terrible if he misses out. The other kids might make fun of him. He's still little, so of course he's forgetting," but I didn't. He came running up to my classroom to have me sign a permission slip last minute. It would have been easy for me to sign it and it would have made him happy, but I said no.
I explained to him that other kids didn't have that option, to run up to their mom's classroom when they forget, so why should he? Thankfully, no other students were in my room at the time, because he started crying. I didn't make him go back to his classroom in tears, but I did make him call the room and tell his teacher he'd be spending the day with me instead. It was hard. I don't like to see my kids sad. He was furious with me, but guess what? He never forgot to have me sign something again and though he still forgot his homework every now and then, it wasn't nearly as frequently as before. And, years later when I asked him about this incident, he didn't even remember it, nor did his twin. What we sometimes think will be devastating for our kids, just isn't.
Please note that as a parent (or teacher) having grit and sandpapering the path ahead of kids so they don't have to, is crippling your child's ability to deal with tough situations on his or her own. You can't always be there to smooth their path or pick up the pieces when they face setbacks, so let them experience disappointment and failure when they're young, when the consequences aren't as dire and you're there to help them learn from the experience. Help them develop their grit.
EVERYONE GETS A TROPHY
I still remember the end of the t-ball season when the team mom asked for money to buy trophies . . . for every kid. My twins were not star players. In fact, I seriously worried about one of them because he spent most of his time with his nose buried in the grass looking at bugs instead of his eyes on the ball. Thankfully, the lack of power hitters in the six-and-under crowd kept him from getting beaned in the noggin. Neither boy would be getting a trophy for any sort of athletic prowess and that was fine by me because they had none. I said I didn't want trophies for them and asked to be left out. She was appalled. How would my children feel to be the only ones without a trophy? Frankly, I didn't think that, as five-year-olds, they'd even remember their season—nine years later, they don't. They liked going for the snacks at the end of each game and not for the love of baseball.
Another example of this is birthday parties. When did it become necessary to have over-the-top themed parties for kids' birthdays? Gone are the days when kids came over for cake and ice cream and played a bit. Now we have barbecues, serve an entire meal and parents, not just kids, attend. We end up spending hundreds of dollars and every kid goes home with a gift bag. When our oldest was turning eight he decided he wanted to invite every kid in his class. I knew we had to do something. We just couldn't afford a huge party. First, I told him it was very sweet of him to want to include everyone (he is still a sweet guy!). Then I explained that we didn't have it in our budget. What I offered instead was to give him $100 plus cake and ice cream (he's 22 now, so this was a while ago). With that money he needed to buy the food and decorations for his party and any money left over he could keep as his gift.
He started scouring the mailers for coupons. He asked us to go to several different stores to get the best prices on what he wanted. I had plain white napkins and plates I said he could use, so he passed on the Darth Vadar plates and napkins he wanted. He got concentrated fruit punch instead of individual sodas, which was better for them anyway. He got a watermelon instead of potato chips. He discovered sales tax! And he discovered those little gift bags usually contain junky stuff that kids don't use, so he didn't bother. My kids learned such great lessons in budgeting after we implemented that rule! It was one of the best things we could have done for them and many of my friends obviously felt the same pressure to conform, because they followed our lead and adopted something similar with their kids.
When did we become so obsessed with the idea that our kids can't ever feel disappointed, angry, upset, or left out? The older we get the larger the difficulties we have to deal with—a death in the family, job loss, health issues. At some point in their lives our kids are going to have to deal with hardships, so do you really want they're first obstacles to be the big ones? If your daughter forgets her homework, she may be upset and want you to bail her out by bringing it to her, but isn't it better to let her deal with the disappointment and learn from it? If she can get over this, it builds grit.
LET THEM MAKE MISTAKES
One of my twins, the aforementioned bug enthusiast, was notorious for forgetting his homework or permission slips. They went to school where I taught, so when he was in fourth grade, I decided he needed to learn the hard way, to remember to bring what was necessary back to school. They had a field trip and as his twin asked me to sign the permission slip, I knew he was forgetting. I could have said to myself, "He'll feel terrible if he misses out. The other kids might make fun of him. He's still little, so of course he's forgetting," but I didn't. He came running up to my classroom to have me sign a permission slip last minute. It would have been easy for me to sign it and it would have made him happy, but I said no.
I explained to him that other kids didn't have that option, to run up to their mom's classroom when they forget, so why should he? Thankfully, no other students were in my room at the time, because he started crying. I didn't make him go back to his classroom in tears, but I did make him call the room and tell his teacher he'd be spending the day with me instead. It was hard. I don't like to see my kids sad. He was furious with me, but guess what? He never forgot to have me sign something again and though he still forgot his homework every now and then, it wasn't nearly as frequently as before. And, years later when I asked him about this incident, he didn't even remember it, nor did his twin. What we sometimes think will be devastating for our kids, just isn't.